Lol Mormon

Members of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", are members of a "church" invented by Joseph Smith, a horny conman and Freemason, in 1830. The early church (lawlz) grew through charismatic public speeches and fervent missionary work which eventually came to promote polygamy (and pedophilia as a byproduct) as the recruitment drive grew more ferociously fucked up. In a brilliant employment of trolling for his own gain, Joseph realized that the hate brewing against his church would serve to bolster the believers' persecution complex, and feeling persecuted means that you never have to see the truth.

The result is that wherever they are, Mormons have a higher rate of sex crimes, adultery, and teen suicide than the national average.

Theology and beliefs

1.Invent crazy story about golden tablets, magic specs, lost tribes, visions of God, etc. 2.Convince gullible hicks, thieves and whores that your story is true. 3.As cult leader, use story as a pretext to fuck all the nubile, virginal teenage girls you want. 4.Get killed by angry mob. 5.Resurrection time! 6.Repeat steps 3 through 5.

7.PROFIT! PROFIT! PROFIT! PROFIT!

Mormons like to hint that they might be Christians but have major differences in what they believe. Some are more subtle than others, like the ones about blackies.

Mormons believe a Tribe of Jews sailed to the Americas hundreds of years before Christ. Some of these Jews turned into Mexicans for being assholes. After a whole bunch of TL;DR, Christ uses celestial technology to travel from the Middle east to South America, where he teaches the Mexican Jews. Then all the Mexican Jews kill each other except for some guy named Moroni, who walked to upstate New York, to bury the spiritual history of his people.

Other Mormon beliefs include:

Baptism for the Dead, so you can still baptize that stubborn father of yours. Mormons trolled Jews worldwide by baptizing holocaust victims without consent from their families. Mandatory Temple work. One of the rituals is called Endowment, and that is where they get those fantastic underpants. The Word of Wisdom. This is where the no coffee, alcohol, or tobacco comes from. The Second Coming will touch down in the place this whole mess began. The Garden of Eden, in Jackson County Missouri (srsly). Temple Recommends are necessary to get into Mormon temples. Doctrine of Eternal Progression, the reward for a race well run: For the price of your earthly life, you too can become the winnar of an eternal vacation to your very! own! PLANET! Find a hawt goddess bitch and have loads of sex with her. Watch her spit out billions of spirit-children, all ready to fight to the death for another chunk of rock! (For a limited time. Not valid with any other offer. Offer not valid in Hawaii, the Virgin Islands, or anywhere outside the Milky-Way Galaxy.)

In addition to the King James Version of the Bible, Mormons reckon three other books holy writ: the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. The Book of Mormon contains the aforementioned tale of the Mexican Jews (or Mews) . The D&C contains "revelations" proclaimed by Joseph Smith and other church leaders; i.e., the shit they made up as they went along. The Pearl of Great Price is the least tl;dr of the three and by far the most batshit insane -- allegedly translated from a set of ancient Egyptian documents, it discusses, among other things, how God lives on a big-ass distant planet called Kolob. What they won't tell you is that The Book of Mormon has undergone over 4000 edits since the original 1830 edition (not bad for the "most perfect book ever written!").

The Truth + Remixes

History

After several failed scams, Joseph Smith struck a home run. Deciding that people believed him enough that he could start fucking with their sex lives, Joseph successfully renewed the Christian tradition of polygamy. Jealous of all the hot Mormon sex going on, and in fear of losing their own women to the orgy, hicks began shooting Mormons in retaliation for Mormon's shooting them while trying to claim the holy land of Missouri, and the Mormons got kicked out. [1] Joseph was eventually killed, and the wagon trains fled to Utah, where they murdered travelers, blamed Indians, [2] and were stuck with Mexicans. Those Indians became white people if they converted and married enough wives but lost the status when they died (see below). Srsly.

Connor, head of the California Volunteers, accurately characterized the Morons of the 1850s as "traitors, murderers, fanatics and whores."

American Islam

In many ways, Moronism is the closest thing the USA has to a home-grown Islam: both surely stranger offshoots of Christianity, they spread their beliefs by fightin' round the world during the life of the main profit. Both profits were heavily into loli. Both used promises of loli, polygamy, and winning at violence to recruit low-lives. Both claimed better direct lines of conversation with God and more LOLable miracles than Chrestos ever had. Both have holy books with slabs copied from the Bible (directly in the Book of Moron and strange mashups in the other one). Both loved lucre, and relied on getting it from women at crucial times.

They also share big splits over stuff connected to the second profit. Both are designed to guarantee pilgrimage and money for particular cities in the desert. A key difference: the Morons had to build Salt Lake City to draw the rubes but Mohammad only had to promise to keep up Mecca's popularity with religious tourists to get given the place.

Universities

There are several Mormon-chartered universities, the best-known of which is undoubtedly Brigham Young University. Along with mandatory courses on reformed Egyptian, Urim and Thummim, and One Bad Apple, funky disco dancing is widely practiced by the many cute, round-faced teens with great hair who attend.

Modern Mormon Culture

In the 1830’s, when men's pants were first tailored with buttons visible down the front of the fly, the Mormon leader Brigham Young discouraged the population from wearing them, calling them “fornication pants.” To this day, Mormons still hate button-fly jeans. Mormons refer to each other as "Brother" or "Sister", which is why black people stay the hell away. The second to last thing black people want to be called by a cracker 'is "Brotha". Mormon social life centers on the church and family. Men have priestly responsibilities in and out of the home. Women attend relief society which is basically church-sanctioned gossip hour. Women also participate in home visiting to collect gossip. College age students attend "singles ward", which helps keep those with inquiring minds from making normal friends. This keeps Mormon behavior stable from about 14 until 30 or marriage, whichever comes first. Youth activities include:

Frottage during NCMO (non-committal make out). We have no evidence for this but knowing the strength of the sex drive in young people we think it's likely.

Watching lame Mormon movies because anything above a PG-13 rating is an abomination.

State of Utah
A good slice of Wikipedia In 2008 the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints had a major coup in mounting a power-play for chairmanship of the Wikimedia Foundation. Their get-out-the-vote campaign among the many Mormon Wikipedians got their man, Michael Snow, an "elder" and former missionary in Germany, elected chairman.

The Hot Spicy Racism

From day one this so-called "true church" (as proclaimed by the members) prohibited black people from holding the priesthood. This policy wasn't repealed until 1978 over one hundred years after the church was established. Black Morons also had to attend segregated services but apparently got to reach the same afterlife as Whitey. If you look hard enough and dedicate enough time, you can find the only black Mormon.

This idea had a bizarre flipside: American Indians were allowed to attend the same services as Whitey, but were supposed to be segregated in the afterlife. They probably had a little trouble attracting Indian members after one of their guys led one of the biggest massacres of Indians in the west and they framed Indians for a massacre of crackers.

If the lie "the Mormon church is the true church" is to be believed one must also deduce that God is more racist than the lowest of the low on ED or even the [http:liberapedia.wikia.com/wiki/KKK KKK].

Polygamy

Before 1890 the Mormons practiced polygamy, providing a way for men to engage in dirty sex with multiple women simultaneously and still play the upstanding guy.

It's a little known fact that Joseph Smith had 23 wives, who ranged in age from 14 to 60. Eleven were under 20. Most were done after he died (YA RLY).

The second prophet of the Mormon church Brigham Young was known for his large family that consisted of 18 wives and 57 children.

Some offshoots of the Mormon church who declare themselves "fundamentalist Mormons" still condone polygamy (the ones that don't just do it in secret) and are still banging minors today. Tell this to a REAL Mormon and they'll kick you in the balls be an Internet Tough Guy.

—Spencer W. Kimball, after one too many weed brownies.

How to Troll Mormons

<Reconvert Mormons: Passionately tell Mormons you meet that it was the Elohim (an alien civilization) that met Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove. Tell them that the Elohim have selected a new prophet on Earth, named Raël. Tell them you have scientific proof (glowing silver tablets). When in doubt, remember, Mormons are susceptible to gullibility. This may result in missionaries leaving the mission. "Long before you were born a program was developed by your creators ... The principal personalities in this great drama were a Father Elohim, perfect in wisdom, judgment, and person, and two sons, Lucifer and Jehovah."

Reference

Part or all of this was copied and adapted from Encyclopedia Dramatica but the spam filter prevents me linking there. Encyclopedia Dramatica is notorious and we cannot vouch for the accuracy of the whole article.